Monday, September 26, 2005
smoke and mirrors
i had a dream about her last night.
everything was as they are now. she- happily married. me- short hair. the only difference was that we were friendly. we spoke as if it mattered. and for those brief moments, we both said all the right things. no joking smiles to hide my pain. no cutting sarcasm to mask her dissapointment.
"you cut your hair. it looks nice"
"thanks. i got lost getting here... had to walk."
"all that way? it's raining."
"not so bad. how is everything?"
"good. i'm happy."
"i know. i've missed you."
"i know..."
i may have made a grave mistake forcing myself back into one piece. i thought i could keep it this time, but i suppose they are too strong for me. though they won't come back it seems, and i'm not sure which is more frightening.
who am i kidding. i'm still broken. still making a pathetic show of myself. but this is the only way to get it out. i don't feel right talking to anyone about her. i don't feel like i deserve to. it's my own fault.
i thought that i could maybe pretend, be like i was, not make myself visible. just going numb.
guess i never learn. and she'll hate me a little more for it. if she even has that for me.
"... but it's okay."
that's how it ended.
hey, it wouldn't be a dream without somewhat of a "good" ending.
everything was as they are now. she- happily married. me- short hair. the only difference was that we were friendly. we spoke as if it mattered. and for those brief moments, we both said all the right things. no joking smiles to hide my pain. no cutting sarcasm to mask her dissapointment.
"you cut your hair. it looks nice"
"thanks. i got lost getting here... had to walk."
"all that way? it's raining."
"not so bad. how is everything?"
"good. i'm happy."
"i know. i've missed you."
"i know..."
i may have made a grave mistake forcing myself back into one piece. i thought i could keep it this time, but i suppose they are too strong for me. though they won't come back it seems, and i'm not sure which is more frightening.
who am i kidding. i'm still broken. still making a pathetic show of myself. but this is the only way to get it out. i don't feel right talking to anyone about her. i don't feel like i deserve to. it's my own fault.
i thought that i could maybe pretend, be like i was, not make myself visible. just going numb.
guess i never learn. and she'll hate me a little more for it. if she even has that for me.
"... but it's okay."
that's how it ended.
hey, it wouldn't be a dream without somewhat of a "good" ending.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
resurrection
tremors of a PURIST returning.
i can only hold my breath and hope it comes soon.
i need this.
i can only hold my breath and hope it comes soon.
i need this.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
an old friend
i came across things that i have missed.
a picture of her. funny how i can smile and hurt. but i didn't find the tears this time around. i assume the numbness is taking over. i hate, but embrace it and wonder how long it will sustain me. but the tears eventually come. they always find the cracks.
a goodbye note to myself. essentially a sort of "dear john" letter... or "dear me" as it were. again i smile, and ache inside. it marks the moment when i split... when i created another self. the one who would force the wall. numbness. but it never lasts.
adoration. they both take notice. my two selves racing to do as they are inclined. one to pursue, the other to kill it.
i twitch at the tingling of a third persona now. the one who might fix ME for a change. maybe then i can find my second chance. perhaps with her. or someone new.
whichever, i hope we can get it right this time. me... and my only friends.
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a picture of her. funny how i can smile and hurt. but i didn't find the tears this time around. i assume the numbness is taking over. i hate, but embrace it and wonder how long it will sustain me. but the tears eventually come. they always find the cracks.
a goodbye note to myself. essentially a sort of "dear john" letter... or "dear me" as it were. again i smile, and ache inside. it marks the moment when i split... when i created another self. the one who would force the wall. numbness. but it never lasts.
adoration. they both take notice. my two selves racing to do as they are inclined. one to pursue, the other to kill it.
i twitch at the tingling of a third persona now. the one who might fix ME for a change. maybe then i can find my second chance. perhaps with her. or someone new.
whichever, i hope we can get it right this time. me... and my only friends.